«Я жалею, что не пришла в терапию 10 лет назад»

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Развод, утрата кого-то из близких — для многих такие события становятся травматичными. От того, как болезненный опыт будет прожит, зависит вся дальнейшая жизнь человека. К сожалению, мы часто стараемся убежать от боли, а гнев, обиду, горе закапываем где-то глубоко внутри. Психолог Анна Соколова рассказывает, как невысказанные чувства приводят к психосоматическим заболеваниям и депрессии.

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«Я жалею, что не пришла в терапию 10 лет назад»

Аля позвонила мне и попросила о консультации. Пожаловалась на пустоту и депрессию. Мы договорились о встрече. Это была 30-летняя хрупкая девушка с детским лицом и большими глазами. Она часто улыбалась. И даже о недавнем разводе начала рассказывать с улыбкой: «Да, мы развелись, но я и в браке не чувствовала себя счастливой. Сама не понимаю, что со мной происходит. Какое-то угнетенное состояние. Плохо сплю. Ничего не хочется, только лежать, свернувшись клубком. Тяжело». Я обратила внимание на несоответствие ее улыбки рассказу о том, что ей плохо. «А, это я всегда улыбаюсь, — отмахнулась она. — Просто такой характер».

В реальности улыбка — распространенная психологическая защита. Когда мы не хотим переживать болезненные чувства и показывать их другим, мы надеваем на себя улыбку как маску. Однако в этом случае мы теряем связь с собой и истинными чувствами. Когда это происходит постоянно, улыбчивость начинает восприниматься как черта характера.

Аля не могла вспомнить, когда у нее началась депрессия. «Мне кажется, я всегда такой была. Подавленной и улыбающейся. Как грустный клоун. Но после развода все стало хуже. Острее, что ли. Как будто я осиротела во второй раз». Выяснилось, что, когда Але было 16 лет, она потеряла обоих родителей в автокатастрофе. Девушка никак не связывала эту огромную потерю с текущим состоянием. «Это же было так давно».

Первая реакция человека, который узнает об утрате близкого, — оцепенение

Для бессознательного, в котором хранятся вытесненные чувства и воспоминания, не характерна размерность времени. Совершенно неважно, когда произошло событие, которое вызвало сильные чувства, вчера или двадцать лет назад. Если они неожиданно всплывают в нас, они могут ранить также же сильно, как и в далеком прошлом.

Але казалось, что она довольно быстро оправилась от потери родителей. Она поступила в институт, нашла работу по вечерам. «Жизнь была насыщенной. Лекции, вечеринки, друзья. Только иногда я ловила себя на мысли, что это все не имеет ко мне отношения. Чувствовала себя неживой, бредущей сквозь серый туман, — говорила она. — Но потом опять забывалась в круговерти студенческой жизни». А как-то раз она вспомнила: «Кажется, я почти и не плакала о смерти родителей».

Иногда первая реакция человека, который узнает об утрате близкого, — оцепенение. Болевой шок. Невозможно пошевелиться, вздохнуть и почувствовать. Только позже, когда шок спадает, настигает боль утраты. Либо нет, если утрата слишком большая и психика не может ее воспринять. Тогда внутри человека как будто что-то замораживается, и он уже не может горевать и оплакивать потерю.

«Я жалею, что не пришла в терапию 10 лет назад»

В 22 года она вышла замуж за прекрасного человека старше нее. И в первый год все как будто было хорошо. Однако со временем Аля все чаще стала замыкаться в себе и выбирать одиночество. «Что с тобой?» — беспокоился муж. «Ничего. Все в порядке», — всегда с улыбкой отвечала она. Девушка и себе не могла объяснить, что с ней происходит. Все чаще она чувствовала апатию, подавленность и бессмысленность. Утром не хотелось вставать с постели. Ничего не радовало. «Как будто меня придавили бетонной плитой, которая становилась все тяжелее. Мне хотелось плакать, но я не могла. И с мужем этим поделиться тоже не могла».

Когда муж заговорил о ребенке, она сначала уходила от темы. Потом отшучивалась. Потом молчала. И что-то между ними треснуло. Они развелись. После этого Аля пришла в терапию. Вначале ей было сложно говорить о себе и чувствах. Когда она пробовала, было видно, что преодолевает большое внутреннее сопротивление. Але было страшно. Всю жизнь она пыталась убежать от чувств, от боли, спрятаться за улыбкой, уйти с головой в работу или мир фантазий. И вот настал момент, когда эта стратегия перестала работать. Избегание чувств привело к эмоциональной опустошенности, одиночеству и депрессии. Необходимо было выбирать: оставаться в этом или решиться встретиться с собой.

Государственный деятель и генеральный секретарь ООН Даг Хаммаршельд однажды сказал: «Жизнь от вас требует лишь тех сил, которые у вас есть. И возможен только один подвиг — не убежать».

Сложно поверить, что на нас могут оказывать сильное влияние события давно минувших дней

Аля решилась и позволила себе открыться. Ее боль начала выходить. Сначала боль развода, чуть позже она много горевала о смерти родителей. Ту боль, которая прежде была слишком огромной для нее одной, чтобы к ней прикоснуться, она смогла разделить в терапии с другим человеком. И отпустить ее.

В какой-то момент девушка осознала, почему распался ее брак и почему она не хотела ребенка. «Кажется, я тогда сама была ребенком. Потерянным ребенком, который ищет родителей. И вначале семейной жизни, сама того не понимая, я как будто обрела мать и отца в муже. Но он не должен был и не мог быть мне родителем». На последней сессии она сказала мне: «Я теперь не так часто улыбаюсь, как раньше. Но я никогда не чувствовала себя настолько собой. Теперь, когда мне грустно, я плачу. Когда радостно — смеюсь. Как будто рассеялся туман и стало легче дышать. Хочется жить и творить. Кажется, я действительно повзрослела. Еще я очень хочу ребенка».

Иногда сложно поверить, что на нас могут оказывать сильное влияние события давно минувших дней. Непережитое прошлое остается жить в настоящем и формирует наше будущее. Что бы с вами ни происходило, не держите это в себе. Пишите о мыслях и чувствах, говорите с близкими или терапевтом. В общем, выражайте их до тех пор, пока не почувствуйте, что они больше не довлеют над вами. Это важно.

«Я жалею, что не пришла в терапию 10 лет назад»

Об авторе

Анна Соколова — психолог, психотерапевт, доцент НИУ ВШЭ. Ее сайт.

Источник: psychologies.ru

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