«С ней тебе будет лучше»: зачем мы сами разрушаем отношения

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Вы любите и любимы, но продолжаете устраивать партнеру экзамены на верность и прочность чувств. Чем могут закончиться такие испытания для отношений? Как остановиться и научиться доверять? Читательница делится опытом.

Мужчина и женщина 

«С ней тебе будет лучше»: зачем мы сами разрушаем отношения

Наверное, моя неуверенность в отношениях с мужчинами идет из детства. Отец ушел от нас к другой женщине, когда мне было десять лет. Его расставанию с матерью предшествовали скандалы, и, вычеркнув ее из своей жизни, он почти перестал общаться и со мной. Это было очень больно, особенно когда я узнала, что у него родилась дочь. Через несколько лет у мамы возникли новые отношения, и этот человек стал жить в нашем доме. Я приняла его спокойно и мы даже стали друзьями, однако и с ним у мамы не сложилась семья. Это зародило в ней обиду на мужчин.

Я жила с постоянными разговорами о том, что мужчины — в глубине души предатели и только используют женщин. Она учила меня не открываться им навстречу и не слишком доверять. Первый роман у меня возник в институте. Это была взаимная любовь, мы встречались несколько месяцев, пока меня не начали подтачивать сомнения. Все его дружеские разговоры с девушками или сообщения от них казались мне угрозой счастью.

Мной руководило нечто, что было сильнее способности просто проживать и ценить чувство, которое нас связывало

Справедливости ради, он не давал мне повода для ревности, я и сама общалась с ребятами-однокурcниками, что было нормально в студенческой среде. Однако мои подозрения и страхи разрастались и отравляли наши отношения. Я словно испытывала его постоянными замечаниями: «Мы слишком разные люди», «Похоже, с Н. у тебя больше интересов». В глубине души я хотела, чтобы он уверял меня: я самая дорогая и любимая, и он это делал. Однако со временем начал открыто говорить мне о том, что эти разговоры ему неприятны и оскорбительны.

И когда однажды я сказала: «Возможно, у нас не будет будущего», — ожидая, что он начнет убеждать меня в обратном, то получила ответ: «Ты права». Оглядываясь назад, понимаю, что совершила ошибку, но мной руководило нечто, что было сильнее способности просто проживать и ценить чувство, которое нас связывало.

«С ней тебе будет лучше»: зачем мы сами разрушаем отношения

«Мы сами создаем ситуации, которые угрожают отношениям» 

Вероника Степанова, психотерапевт

Проверки, которые мы устраиваем партнеру, происходят бессознательно. Как правило, это свойственно женщинам. В какой-то момент мужчина, которого шантажируют и с помощью пассивной агрессии добиваются постоянного подтверждения любви и внимания, воспринимает идею того, что ему нужен другой партнер, и считает ее своей или просто устает от необходимости оправданий.

В некоторых случаях женщина сама создает условия для того, чтобы он поддался соблазну. Например, сближается с подругой, которая оказывает ее мужу откровенные знаки внимания. Почему она причиняет себе эту боль? Какая-то часть субличности женщины может быть уверена, что она недостойна любви и понимания, неспособна к построению гармоничного союза.

Героиня верно подмечает ту отправную точку, в которой формировались ее разрушительные в последующем слова и действия, — детство. Мать транслировала негативное отношение к противоположному полу, и в дочери проявляется бессознательное желание присоединиться к ее боли. Поэтому, подрастая, она начинает искусственно создавать обстоятельства, которые ей предрекали в детстве. Изменить эту ситуацию можно, только трезво осознавая, что ее вызывает.

«Чем больше мы уверены в себе, тем больше доверяем партнеру» 

Лев Хегай, юнгианский аналитик

В молодом возрасте происходит активное формирование идентичности. Человек еще не знает себя и, следовательно, не знает другого. Отношения мужчины и женщины — это всегда встреча с неизвестным Другим. Если Другой представляется ненадежным, опасным, способным причинить боль, то это отражает хрупкость и уязвимость самооценки.

Проверка его чувств на прочность — одновременно и проверка прочности образа себя. Когда человек лучше узнает себя, больше в себе уверен, он охотнее доверяет Другому. Поэтому независимо от истории своей родительской семьи, «проверки», ошибки и нестыковки в первых любовных отношениях неизбежны. Главное, не застрять в инфантильном периоде на всю жизнь, а рассматривать происходящее с нами как важный опыт. Для этого полезно разбираться в себе и открыто обсуждать свои чувства и домыслы с партнером, чтобы лучше понимать друг друга.

Об экспертах

«С ней тебе будет лучше»: зачем мы сами разрушаем отношения

Вероника Степанова, психотерапевт. Ее канал.

«С ней тебе будет лучше»: зачем мы сами разрушаем отношения

Лев Хегай, юнгианский аналитик.

Источник: psychologies.ru

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