Развод: я оставила детей с отцом и не жалею об этом

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Сделав выбор в пользу развода, Елизавета, которой сейчас 47, должна была оставить с отцом детей трех и пяти лет. Трудное решение, о котором она не пожалела.

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Развод: я оставила детей с отцом и не жалею об этом

«Я тебя не люблю, нам пора расстаться». Он замер, вскочил, схватил меня за воротник и прижал к стене: «Хорошо, уходи, но без детей». Его взгляд, резкость его жеста, эта внезапная грубость при том, что он никогда не поднимал на меня руку, глубоко меня ранили.

Я родилась в маленьком городе, в семье, которая жила под диктовку моего отца, его настроений и вспышек гнева. Он был фельдшером, мать не работала и дома во всем ему подчинялась. Для отца мое будущее было очевидно: удачно выйти замуж. И я, конечно, встретила принца: тоже медика, но рангом повыше, красивого, умного, мужественного. Я пошла по стопам матери, став, как и она, Золушкой при муже. И стала читать умные книги, изучать психологию. Пяти лет такой жизни оказалось достаточно, чтобы начать до тошноты мучиться от повторяющихся психодраматических сценариев.

Я знала: если я уйду с детьми, они станут предметом бесконечной войны

Тем временем у нас родились два сына. Им было три и пять лет, когда я объявила их отцу, что больше не хочу с ним жить. Я знала: если я уйду с детьми, они станут предметом бесконечной войны, и не хотела, чтобы сыновья жили в таком аду. И все-таки это было выше моих сил — представить себе, что мы живем в одном городе, а их нет рядом со мной.

Я продолжала поддерживать видимость семейной жизни. Ночью я вставала, чтобы посмотреть на моих спящих мальчиков, и искала у них ответа. Мать не оставляет своих детей! Это позор! Надеясь расслышать свою интуицию, я взяла в руки Библию и открыла страницу наугад — чистое безумие! Мне попалась притча о соломоновом решении, где к царю Соломону пришли две женщины и принесли ребенка: каждая утверждала, что это ее сын. Чтобы рассудить их, царь взял меч и собрался разрубить младенца пополам. Настоящая мать вскричала: «Отдайте его другой женщине, только не убивайте!..»

Так я получила внутренний толчок и приняла решение.

Мы пошли в суд, я подписала согласие на то, что дети останутся жить с отцом. После этого со мной они проводили только половину выходных и каникул… В итоге жизнь признала мою правоту. Сегодня у меня с детьми близкие отношения, у них все хорошо.

Согласие с собой означает готовность действовать вопреки культурным и социальным нормам

Когда я ушла, они были слишком малы, чтобы можно было по-настоящему объясниться с ними. Я ждала, когда они начнут задавать вопросы, это случилось в отрочестве. Тогда я сказала им правду о своей жизни, ни разу они не упрекнули меня за то, что я их бросила.

Склонность к размышлениям, анализу и наблюдению, которая подвела меня к этому шагу, проявлялась отчасти еще в детстве: тогда это была жажда понять поступки людей, осмыслить эмоциональную боль, которую причиняли мне выходки отца и покорность матери, и любой ценой вырваться из этой жизни. Цена, которую я заплатила, оказалась очень высокой. Согласие с собой вообще готовность идти на риск, действовать вопреки культурным и социальным нормам.

Но сегодня я вижу, что мной руководила таинственная и неудержимая сила, которая сделала свое дело.

Острая жажда свободы неожиданно заставила меня выбрать путь духовного поиска. Этот путь — мое единственное утешение. Единственное, что вдохновляет меня и помогает отдавать моим сыновьям все лучшее, что есть во мне.

Источник: psychologies.ru

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