«Мне помогла… его измена»

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Вместе они давно и любят друг друга. Но был у них период, в котором не было секса. 49-летняя Марианна вспоминает историю своей пары, ее кризиса и возрождения.

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«Мне помогла... его измена»

«В первые годы секс играл в нашей жизни огромную роль. Мы занимались любовью часто, страстно и жестко: одно соприкосновение тел — и нас бросало друг к другу. Мы много разговаривали о своих предыдущих романах, партнерах, делились своими фантазиями, и эти очень откровенные разговоры только подстегивали наше желание.

Мое предложение поселиться вдвоем он не поддержал, и было ясно почему: он не хотел ограничивать себя одной интимной связью. И все-таки мы стали жить вместе — я надеялась, что смогу его изменить. Но ничего не вышло, во всяком случае сразу.

Он изменял мне, как правило, со своими давними приятельницами, бывшими любовницами, если точнее. Он не хотел менять своих привычек, про свои свидания говорил: «А что в этом такого!» Кроме того, они были нужны ему, чтобы не чувствовать себя связанным, скованным нашими отношениями.

Я терпела: ведь между нами был не только секс, мы действительно любили друг друга. Сейчас я думаю, что его неверность была двигателем нашей сексуальной жизни, — она возбуждала во мне желание, хотя вместе с тем причиняла много страданий.

После пяти лет совместной жизни наш сексуальный пыл понемногу стал стихать. Страсть оживляли только его приключения на стороне. Это почти превратилось в систему: он изменял, это разжигало во мне желание и одновременно страшно меня мучило. Я злилась на него и становилась очень агрессивной.

Мне не удавалось восстановить в душе чувства, от которых бы вновь разгорелось желание, и я уже думала, что с этим покончено

Тогда наконец он прекратил свои подвиги — наверное, из страха, что я от него уйду, как уже не раз обещала. Очевидно, я тоже была нужна ему по-настоящему. Каждую ночь мы спали в одной кровати без малейшего намека на эротику. Время от времени он все-таки делал попытку, и это было ужасно — желания у меня не было вообще. Ни разу за эти три или четыре года мне не удалось почувствовать его вновь. Либо у него не получалось возбудиться, либо он делал мне больно.

Я очень переживала, но поговорить об этом не удавалось, он не хотел обсуждать эту проблему. Я даже не пыталась ласкать себя. Мне не удавалось восстановить в душе чувства, от которых бы вновь разгорелось желание, и я уже думала, что с этим все, покончено. Нам было плохо вдвоем, и вместе с тем мы не представляли себе, что можем расстаться. Потому что продолжали любить друг друга — как это ни парадоксально.

А потом случилось то, что неожиданно вновь оживило нашу сексуальную жизнь. В один прекрасный день я обнаружила, что он снова мне изменяет. Не знаю, когда у него опять возникли связи на стороне, но тут он оставил следы — как будто хотел, чтобы я узнала. И вновь захотела его.

Я устроила ему несколько ужасных сцен, и именно благодаря одной из них, почти истерике, желание вернулось. Я рыдала в голос, он обнял меня и поцеловал — настоящий, глубокий поцелуй впервые за все эти годы, — и все вернулось, как прежде. С этого дня наша интимная жизнь ожила вновь.

Даже если моменты близости бывают реже, чем раньше, желание есть всегда. Конечно, теперь опять можно начать ожидать спада, но мне кажется, сейчас я смотрю на это иначе. Я знаю, что это самое серьезное чувство моей жизни, и, по-моему, он думает то же самое. Раньше я даже не знала, что так его люблю».

Источник: psychologies.ru

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