Как вырастить детей оптимистами?

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Нам хочется, чтобы наши дети росли жизнерадостными, не страдая от наших сомнений, тревог или плохого настроения. Как сориентировать их в нужную сторону? Рассказы родителей и советы специалистов.

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Как вырастить детей оптимистами?

Mожно ли воспитать позитивный взгляд на мир? Или же оптимизм — врожденное качество? Нельзя сделать однозначный вывод о приоритетном влиянии наследственности или среды, в которой растет ребенок, на формирование позитивного взгляда на мир. Можно лишь выдвинуть несколько гипотез на основе научных исследований, посвященных состоянию депрессии и связанному с ней особому состоянию духа — пессимизму.

Тоскливое настроение, утрата интереса к любимым играм и увлечениям, заниженная самооценка и чувство неуверенности в себе — пессимистичное, мрачное видение будущего чаще встречается у детей и подростков, чьи родители страдают от депрессии. Став взрослыми, они скорее всего чаще своих ровесников будут переживать депрессивное состояние.

«В значительной мере склонность человека к оптимистическому или пессимистическому взгляду на мир и будущее формируется в детстве с помощью двух механизмов научения — подражания и импринтинга, то есть фиксации значимых объектов, предметов, форм поведения, — рассказывает детский психолог Татьяна Бедник. — Маленькие дети, как губка, впитывают все, что происходит вокруг. Они перенимают наши движения, действия, эмоции и даже отношение к миру».

«Общий жизненный настрой закладывается в самом раннем детстве, но родителям очень нужно постараться, чтобы сделать ребенка пессимистом, — говорит возрастной психолог Катерина Поливанова. — Посмотрите внимательно на самых маленьких детей: каждый из них от природы оптимист».

Своим поведением, выбором в разных жизненных ситуациях мы предлагаем детям образцы отношения к миру

Конечно, помимо установок, которые мы сознательно стремимся передать детям, есть множество вещей, которые передаются без нашего ведома. Поступки часто значимее слов: своим поведением, выбором в разных жизненных ситуациях мы предлагаем детям образцы отношения к миру.

«Мы воспитываем не только словами, — констатирует Татьяна Бедник. — Следует помнить, что даже самые маленькие дети всегда улавливают то, что мы на самом деле чувствуем. Ребенок делает первые шаги, он пытается все потрогать, до всего дотянуться, все схватить.

Если мама в этот момент напряжена, постоянно ждет, что случится что-то плохое, у ребенка возникает ощущение того, что мир опасен. Если она спокойна, улыбчива, он чувствует себя защищенным, и мир кажется ему дружественным и интересным, хотя и не всегда понятным».

Что важнее в воспитании оптимизма — «Делай, как я тебе советую» или «Делай, как я делаю»? У каждого из нас свой ответ на этот вопрос и свои приемы. Вот небольшая подборка родительских хитростей с комментариями наших экспертов.

Как вырастить детей оптимистами?

Если ребенок напуган

Марина, 38 лет, мать 11-летнего Ильи«Если с сыном происходит что-то, что расстраивает, беспокоит или пугает его, я предлагаю ему рассказать не только о том, что случилось, но и о том, что он чувствует. Когда вижу, что его что-то сильно тревожит, я говорю ему, что на свете действительно существуют ужасные вещи, но прекрасных вещей в мире не меньше. И что все плохое нужно лишь для того, чтобы мы могли по-настоящему оценить хорошее».

Находить время для того, чтобы выслушать своих детей, поговорить об их чувствах и эмоциях, — значит помочь им справиться со своими страхами, тревогами и сомнениями.

«Очень важно принимать ребенка непосредственно и искренне, пытаться понимать его и говорить с ним честно, — уверена Катерина Поливанова. — Только в этом случае дети чувствуют родительскую поддержку. Родителям всегда нужно быть готовыми обсудить то, что беспокоит или огорчает ребенка, но нельзя навязываться, настаивать на откровенном разговоре — необходимы чувство меры и такт.

Важно не количество разговоров «по душам», не их регулярность, а совсем другое: ребенок должен знать, быть уверен, что родители выслушают его и поддержат, если он будет в этом нуждаться».

Найдите позитивную фразу, которую можно будет повторять: «Выход можно найти всегда» или «У каждой проблемы есть решение». Это тоже часть воспитания оптимизма: ребенок сможет «впитать» эту фразу, сделать ее своей и вспоминать в трудных ситуациях. Рассуждения о множестве прекрасных вещей, окружающих нас в этом мире, оказывают гораздо меньше влияния на бессознательное ребенка, чем его собственный опыт: сходить всей семьей в лес, понаблюдать за облаками…

Побудить ребенка помогать другим, например, школьным товарищам — еще один способ дать ему испытать положительные эмоции и ощутить себя нужным.

Как вырастить детей оптимистами?

Если ребенок расстроен

Артем, 42 года, отец 8-летней Полины и 10-летнего Павла«Лет с пяти у сына чуть ли не каждый каждый выходной по вечерам случались приступы плача. Мы установили ритуал, который соблюдаем до сих пор: когда семья собирается за столом, каждый должен рассказать что-нибудь смешное — какой-нибудь анекдот, историю, забавный или нелепый случай, запомнившийся за последние дни. Воскресный ужин перестал быть источником стресса для всей семьи!»

Предложить ритуал своему ребенку — значит дать ему позитивный ориентир. Зная, что произойдет в ближайшем будущем, ожидая его, ребенок может переключиться от настоящего момента, в котором он переживает страх или тревогу.

«В более общем смысле понятие «проектирование своего будущего» связано с оптимизмом; когда есть цель, за которую можно ухватиться, позитивный взгляд на жизнь преобладает, — считает Татьяна Бедник. — Поэтому так полезно обсуждать с детьми их мечты, их планы на отдаленное будущее и на более близкое время». Но при этом не стоит слишком на них давить — речь не о том, чтобы составить список личных достижений на несколько лет вперед.

Нейтрализовать страхи помогает юмор. Он дает разрядку, позволяет посмотреть на ситуацию со стороны… но не может заменить разговор с ребенком о том, что его тревожит. «Его переживания не исчезнут, они просто станут выражаться по-другому, — продолжает Татьяна Бедник. — Понять их причины можно, лишь общаясь с ребенком, выслушивая и поддерживая его». Чтобы расти оптимистом, ребенок прежде всего должен быть уверен в себе и своей способности справляться с трудностями.

Как вырастить детей оптимистами?

Если родитель не в духе

Марьяна, 38 лет, мать 9-летних Лары и ЛилиЕсли вечером я не в духе, я прошу мужа заниматься дочерьми. Я говорю себе, что это единственный способ не передавать им мою «плохую» энергию…»

Искренность в чувствах гораздо лучше, чем вымученная улыбка.

Дети улавливают наше дурное настроение мгновенно. «Когда мы грустим, неплохо дать ребенку возможность пообщаться с кем-то, кто настроен иначе, но предварительно надо объяснить: «Мне сейчас немного грустно, так бывает, но это пройдет, я постараюсь, чтобы все наладилось», — советует Катерина Поливанова. — Беспокоясь за родителей, дети часто винят в плохом настроении взрослых именно себя.

Искренние слова о переживаемых нами чувствах помогут им перестать чрезмерно беспокоиться, ощутить уверенность: раз у родителей могут быть мрачные мысли, значит, это нормально, что и у них самих они время от времени появляются…»

Но ребенку не нужны подробности: делать его своим конфидентом, подробно рассказывать ему о своих проблемах — значит брать на себя риск сформировать у него тревогу, страх и склонность к депрессии. Даже испытывая упадок духа, родители способны передавать детям оптимизм — не столько в отношении своего, сколько их будущего. «Я знаю, что ты можешь быть счастливым и добиться успеха в жизни» — именно такие ободряющие слова в сочетании с проявлениями поддержки, любви и готовности выслушать в повседневной жизни придают ребенку веру в себя и свое будущее.

Как вырастить детей оптимистами?

Если ребенок тревожится

Валерий, 39 лет, отец 12-летней Валерии«Когда я вижу, что моя дочь беспокоится о будущем, я предлагаю ей посмотреть на ситуацию в сравнении. Напоминаю ей о том, что другим детям, бывает, везет гораздо меньше, чем ей, что ситуации бывают разные и что только от нее зависит возможность эти ситуации исправить. Я говорю, что будущее может стать прекрасным, если поработать над этим».

Научить ребенка не драматизировать ситуацию просто необходимо. Трудность в том, чтобы найти верные слова.

«Знание того, что другие могут быть несчастнее, не поможет ребенку почувствовать себя лучше, — говорит Татьяна Бедник. — Он должен научиться сравнивать себя не с другими, а с самим собой. «Сегодня тебе что-то не удалось, но вспомни прошлую неделю, когда у тебя все хорошо получалось, ты справился с трудностью, которая казалась тебе непреодолимой…»

Цель не в том, чтобы показать ребенку, что ситуация различна для разных людей; надо, чтобы он увидел, как ситуация меняется во времени и в его собственной жизни». Ребенок, как и каждый из нас, нуждается в том, чтобы опираться на свои прошлые успехи и свой опыт решения проблем. Дело родителей — регулярно напоминать, что у него такой опыт есть.

Стараясь уберечь детей от переживаний и грустных мыслей, многие родители стараются избавить их от любых столкновений с реальностью: немедленно утешают, удовлетворяют все их желания или делают что-то за них. Этим взрослые оказывают детям плохую услугу.

Оптимизм — это жизненная сила, которой неудачи помогают развиваться в той же мере, что и успех. Поэтому не нужно лишать ребенка опыта фрустрации, когда он, не достигнув цели, испытывает сильные эмоции. Он должен почувствовать, что усилие имеет особую ценность — при условии, что родители умеют прислушаться к его проблемам и тревогам и его поддержать.

Позитивный интеллект

Интеллект и связанная с ним успешность в учебе способны помочь ребенку стать оптимистом. Это показало исследование канадского когнитивного психолога Ройвена Фейерштейна, разработавшего обучающую систему для детей, которым трудно дается школьный процесс.

В течение двух лет школьникам помогали развивать различные интеллектуальные навыки: анализ ситуации, поиск ошибок, планирование интеллектуальных действий, контроль над ними, эффективное запоминание. Перед психологами стояла задача повысить уровень интеллекта детей, но возник и дополнительный эффект: у школьников сформировалось чувство собственной компетентности.

«Эти дети были пессимистами и по отношению к учебной ситуации, и по отношению к себе, — комментирует когнитивный психолог Марина Холодная. — А по мере выработки интеллектуальных навыков они стали жизненными оптимистами, прежде всего потому, что стали верить в себя».

Источник: psychologies.ru

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