Его ребенок: 10 советов для потенциальной мачехи

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За что они меня невзлюбили? Неужели я к ним ревную? Как завоевать их симпатию? Почему их отец не помогает нам подружиться? Эти вопросы могут отравлять жизнь, но приходится искать ответы, если отношения с партнером хочется сохранить. Вот уроки, которые извлекла блогер Дэни Флейшер.

Его ребенок: 10 советов для потенциальной мачехи

Мой партнер в разводе, и у него трое детей. С самого начала он разрывался между ними и мной. Это делало наши отношения напряженными, изматывающими, но одновременно очень вдохновляющими. Этот опыт помог мне лучше разобраться в себе. После множества неверных шагов и напрасных ссор я все-таки сумела найти свой путь в этом лабиринте. Может быть, мои наблюдения помогут кому-то избежать подобных ошибок.

Ничего личного 

Иногда это с трудом до нас доходит, но так оно и есть. Вам может казаться, что дети не любят вас — нет, их нелюбовь относится к самому концепту «папина возлюбленная». Как и все, они хотят безопасности и стабильности, а вы воплощаете в себе все, что этому угрожает.

Ничего личного, однако же личное 

То, что дети невзлюбят любую подругу отца, правда. Но правда и то, что эта любая в данном случае — вы. Никто иной, как вы, торчите тут, переживая обиду и подозревая, что вас оттесняют на обочину жизни партнера. Вы имеете право переживать по этому поводу, дать ему понять, что это касается и вас тоже. Потому что отчасти это так.

Не навязывайтесь 

Нет ничего хуже, чем стать клоунессой, выделывающей трюки, чтобы понравиться публике. Дети интуитивно чувствуют фальшь, и если вы будете слишком усердствовать, они станут с лупой искать ваши недостатки, которые заранее вам припишут. Процесс налаживания отношений займет столько времени, сколько понадобится детям, и сократить его не получится.

Ревность — в порядке вещей 

Понимаю, как это звучит. Взрослые женщины, ревнующие к детям, выглядят немного жалко и глуповато. Но в данном случае это все-таки не столько ревность к ним, сколько желание разделить с партнером все, что для него значимо. У вас начинает все ныть внутри, когда он куда-то уезжает с ними на каникулы, а вы остаетесь за бортом; или отправляется с ними на спортплощадку, куда вам ход заказан. Это не значит, что вы такая злыдня, которая не рада его прекрасным отношениям с детьми и хотела бы все переиначить. Это значит лишь, что вы живой человек, влюблены и хотите быть частью его жизни. И если не получается, страдаете.

Его ребенок: 10 советов для потенциальной мачехи

Его дети напуганы 

Подруга рассказывала мне, что в детстве очень боялась потерять отца насовсем, и папина подруга одним своим присутствием усиливала этот страх. Девочка и так столкнулась с огромной потерей из-за развода родителей, и для нее была непереносима мысль, что все станет еще хуже. Ей нужно было на кого-то излить обиду, и подруга отца оказалась самым подходящим объектом. Эта история на многое открыла мне глаза. Его дети были напуганы. Им все время страшно.

Полегче с ним 

Он и так делает все, что в его силах. Но меньше всего ему хочется чувствовать себя еще более виноватым, чем сейчас. Он постоянно между двух огней, ему приходится то и дело выбирать между двумя лагерями, и вполне возможно, он считает, что гуманней иногда предпочесть общество детей и ненадолго оставить взрослого (казалось бы) человека.

Стоит ли усугублять его переживания? Бывает, что я не вписываюсь в его планы, но вижу по глазам, как он расстроен, ему не хочется меня разочаровывать, но у него нет выбора. Когда мне удается быть лучшей версией себя, я реагирую спокойно, целую его, говорю, как его люблю, и иду заниматься своими делами. Но, конечно, не всегда.

Вы же не хотите, чтобы он был плохим отцом? 

Представьте, что он всегда предпочитает общество своей девушки, а дети всегда на заднем плане. Вы точно хотите иметь дело с таким мужчиной? Уверены?

Его ребенок: 10 советов для потенциальной мачехи

Живите своей жизнью 

Если в нем заключен ваш мир, тогда, конечно, будет казаться, что дети отнимают его у вас. Но если ваша жизнь наполнена, если у вас есть много чего еще, тогда роль «его девушки» будет далеко не единственной. И хорошо, если так. Потому что ощущать себя единственным смыслом чьей-то жизни — тяжелый груз. Жить своей жизнью важно для нашей самооценки, но тут есть и дополнительный бонус — это делает партнершу более соблазнительной и желанной.

Помните, что вы всегда можете уйти 

У вас настоящая любовь. Вы испытываете рядом с ним что-то небывалое, подлинное. Вы оба только и мечтаете о будущей совместной жизни. Но иногда этого недостаточно. Никто не заставляет вас под дулом пистолета оставаться в отношениях. Если не устраивает то, что он вам предлагает, вы вольны уйти.

Отпустите ситуацию 

Когда я чего-нибудь страстно хочу, я иногда забываю сделать единственную вещь, которая поможет достичь желаемого: я не могу ослабить контроль. Я изо всех сил планирую, ищу новые подходы. Но никакой план, никакое детальное просчитывание шагов не гарантирует, что я сумею создать прекрасные отношения. Либо его дети согласятся меня принять, либо нет. Либо мы с мужчиной сможем преодолеть все препятствия, либо нет. И осознание того, что я не всесильна, что я могу разве что улучшать то, что от меня зависит, приносит мне огромное облегчение.

Его ребенок: 10 советов для потенциальной мачехи

Об авторе

Дэни Флейшер – писательница, блогер Huffington Post.

Источник: psychologies.ru

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