«Чем хуже у меня что-то получается, тем больше мне это нравится»

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«Делай хорошо или не делай совсем!» — многим из нас родители привили такое отношение к жизни, деятельности, разного рода занятиям и хобби. Но не ограничивает ли нас такое убеждение? Не лишаем ли мы себя удовольствия от процесса, заведомо зная, что результат будет не особо впечатляющим? Своей историей делится писательница Кристина Ванвурен.

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«Чем хуже у меня что-то получается, тем больше мне это нравится»

Мне всегда нравилось писать. В четвертом классе я написала продолжение «Бесконечной истории» (детская книга немецкого писателя Михаэля Энде — Прим. ред.) еще до того, как его выпустил автор. Я сочиняла мрачные стихи и исписывала тетрадь за тетрадью планами на взрослую жизнь.

Поскольку мне нравилось писать и неплохо это получалось, родители так всем и говорили: «Наша Кристина — писательница». Ввиду того, что это происходило с раннего возраста, я привыкла думать о себе в таком ключе. Это нечто большее, чем просто «я люблю писать» или «у меня неплохо получается сочинять». Это занятие стало казаться мне основополагающей частью идентичности.

Когда меня начинало увлекать что-то другое: каллиграфия, рисование, гитара, скейтбординг, слежка в духе агентов ФБР — родители напоминали, что действительно хорошо у меня пока получается только писать, а значит, на этом и надо сосредоточиться. Думаю, в этот момент в сознании закреплялась установка: те качества, которыми ты обладаешь (ум, способности), просто даны тебе от природы, изменить их нельзя, и надо работать с тем, что имеешь. Противоположная и более здоровая установка: считать, что абсолютно любые способности можно развить.

Отчим постоянно заводил шарманку: все, что вообще стоит делать, стоит делать хорошо. Слова, правда, принадлежат не ему, а Филипу Стэнхоупу, четвертому графу Честерфилду, но они засели у меня в голове.

Плохо медитировать все равно лучше, чем не медитировать вообще

И я продолжала твердить себе эту «мантру перфекциониста» и даже не начинала делать то, что, как казалось, не получилось бы блестяще. А раз не получится блестяще, зачем вообще начинать? Так что я писательница, а не пекарь, гитарист и точно не художница. Вкупе с повышенной тревожностью и прямой связью между продуктивностью и самооценкой это причинило немало боли. Получался замкнутый круг: я не давала себе пробовать новое и при этом мучилась от того, что не пробую ничего нового.

Сейчас я понимаю, что такой образ мышления вредил психическому состоянию и не позволял радоваться жизни. Я была уверена: раз у меня до сих пор не проявился талант к чему-то, то уже и не проявится, а значит, нет смысла пробовать. Это жестко ограничивало рамками писательства.

Избавлю вас от подробностей того, как я годами прозябала в этом болоте, а потом мучительно выбиралась из ловушки. Скажу только, что теперь у меня новая мантра: все, что вообще стоит делать, стоит делать плохо. И мне совершенно все равно, что бы на это сказал Честертон, этот подход изменил мою жизнь.

Я больше не избегаю медитации просто потому, что мне не под силу спокойно сидеть 20 минут. Выдержу пять минут — отлично, две тоже хорошо. Плохо медитировать все равно лучше, чем не медитировать вообще.

Расставшись с перфекционизмом, обретаешь способность радоваться

Теперь я часто сижу на полу в гостиной и рисую абстракции акриловыми красками. Ни одного шедевра пока не создала. Получается плохо, зато помогает расслабиться. Этот подход можно применить ко всему.

Есть ли что-то, что вы запрещаете себе даже попробовать, потому что уверены, что у вас не получится? Попробуйте это наконец! Пусть выйдет ужасно и со временем не будет получаться лучше, просто делайте это. А потом снова, и снова, и снова. Может, однажды наконец получится. А может, и нет, но вы поймете, что готовы попробовать что-то другое. Второе — тоже отличный вариант: кто сказал, что мы должны заниматься чем-то всю жизнь?

Главное, что я вынесла из истории: расставшись с перфекционизмом, обретаешь способность радоваться. Мне по-прежнему нравится писать, но я больше не пытаюсь уместить свою личность в ячейку с ярлыком «писатель». Это то, что я делаю, но не то, кто я.

Заниматься слежкой и кататься на скейтборде я пока не начала, зато регулярно рисую, медитирую, пеку и пробую все то новое, что мне хочется. Позволив себе быть несовершенной и делать что-то неидеально, я обрела чувство наполненности и удовлетворения. Чем хуже у меня что-то получается, тем больше мне это нравится, ведь на меня не давит  необходимость научиться это делать безупречно. Главное — просто делать.

Источник: Medium.

«Чем хуже у меня что-то получается, тем больше мне это нравится»

Об авторе

Кристина Ванвурен — писательница, редактор, издатель.

Источник: psychologies.ru

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