Проблемы детей — отражение проблем родителей?

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Ребенок слишком капризен, или агрессивен, или замкнут, или не хочет учиться…. Не умея справиться с этими проблемами, мы ведем его к психологу – специалист ведь должен знать, как все исправить! Но чаще всего и не догадываемся, что нам самим в этой сложной ситуации нужна помощь психолога.

Родителям 
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Проблемы детей — отражение проблем родителей?

«Сын у нас просто от рук отбился! — жалуется Марина, мать семилетнего Потапа. — Привела его к детскому психологу, думала, разберется. А она сказала, что нам вместе надо к ней ходить! Мол, и мне придется поработать! Я говорю: с какой стати?! У меня-то проблем нет!»

Родители нередко уверены, что детский психолог может «починить» ребенка и вернуть его семье «исправленным».

Никто не заменит родительского воспитания 

Детский клинический психолог Елена Морозова вспоминает, что однажды ей предложили вообще забрать подростка к себе на перевоспитание, потому что у нее в кабинете он вел себя прилично и готов был ее слушать, а с матерью беспрерывно конфликтовал.

«Но и детей поменьше часто приводят, рассчитывая, что психолог все наладит: нажмет на нужные кнопочки, даст волшебную таблетку, — говорит Елена Морозова. — Главное, чтобы ребенок стал таким, каким его хочет видеть родитель. Он не пытается понять ребенка, не анализирует, почему тот поступает тем или иным образом, не думает, как им научиться лучше друг друга чувствовать и взаимо­действовать. Но ведь воспитание — творческий процесс, который требует серьезного, вдумчивого отношения».

Некоторые родители, напротив, приходят на прием, испытывая сильное чувство вины, добавляет детский психолог Ольга Егорова: «Им кажется: я плохой родитель, раз не справился с воспитанием. Плюс к тому на них давят оценки со стороны общества — осуждение родных, знакомых, учителей».

Однако и те, кто считает, что у них самих нет проблем, и те, кто винит себя, готовы переложить ответственность на специалиста и на время передать ему права на воспитание ребенка. Но это иллюзия.

«Я объясняю родителям: да, вам тяжело, трудно, но никто вашу миссию мамы или папы не возьмет на себя, — рассказывает Елена Морозова. — Даже если вы при ребенке торжественно мне ее передадите, он это отвергнет. Он не будет с чужим человеком выстраивать эти интимные, сложные, ни с чем не сравнимые и ничем не заменяемые отношения». А значит, ради детей родителям тоже нужно включиться в процесс терапии.

Что делать: контролировать или предоставить свободу 

Каждый воспитывает детей по-своему и совершает неизбежные ошибки. Но даже если они дорого обошлись ребенку, профессиональный психолог никогда не будет внушать родителю, что он виноват.

«Чувство вины неконструктивно и не полезно ни самому родителю, ни ребенку, — подчеркивает Елена Морозова. — Ведь дети считывают его и начинают этим манипулировать. Что произошло — то произошло, назад не отыграешь. У родителя были причины так поступать, может, он был в тот момент недостаточно зрелым и понимающим. Но сейчас у нас есть возможность это исправить. И надо сосредоточиться на этом».

Современные родители, отмечают наши эксперты, часто впадают в крайности. Одни стараются воспитать послушного ребенка, который бы не доставлял проблем ни им, ни учителям. Но тем самым они растят безвольного конформиста, который не в состоянии будет отстаивать себя и свою позицию, проявлять инициативу. «Таким родителям кажется, что ребенка нужно регулировать и дрессировать. А на самом деле необходимо понимать, направлять, сопереживать и помогать ему активно развиваться», — отмечает Елена Морозова.

Ребенок, который настрадался, может проверять родителя: а так ли сильно ты меня любишь?

В другую крайность зачастую впадают родители, которые сами выросли в обстановке жестких запретов и ограничений по принципу «ничего нельзя», продолжает Ольга Егорова. Им хочется воспитывать детей по-другому, растить их свободными и открытыми. При этом они путают свободу и вседозволенность и не ставят никаких рамок, а в ответ получают капризы, непослушание, агрессию.

Но осознать, что проблема не в ребенке или не только в нем, увидеть свои недочеты и самостоятельно изменить свой воспитательный стиль чрезвычайно трудно. Наконец, есть еще индивидуальные особенности ребенка, в которых родителю сложно разобраться.

Например, бывает, что ребенок и родитель не совпадают по темпераменту, рассказывает Елена Морозова. Быстрой, доминантной матери может казаться, что ее чувствительный, плавающий в фантазиях ребенок очень ленив и пассивен, и это вызывает ее недовольство. А он вынужден защищаться от ее напора и уходить в свои мечты. И наоборот, уравновешенной, медлительной матери будет сложно со сверх­активным, динамичным ребенком, все время требующим ее внимания. Здесь родителю и поможет профессиональный взгляд со стороны.

Найти точку опоры и научиться выстраивать отношения с ребенком 

«Часто я предлагаю родителю и ребенку вместе заняться тем, что им нравится, — порисовать, почитать, смастерить поделку, — и смотрю, что мешает их взаимодействию, — рассказывает Елена Морозова. — Мы анализируем с родителем, что не получается у них и что получается у меня, что я делаю для того, чтобы ребенок мне не грубил, не отказывался делать то, что я предлагаю, не боялся высказываться. И как сделать, чтобы это вышло и у них».

Часто родителям трудно воспитывать ребенка, потому что они сами в детстве не получили от своих мамы и папы опыта открытости, сопереживания, безопасности. И тем не менее этому можно учиться, говорит Ольга Егорова: «В ходе терапии важно показать родителю его зону ответственности, но не для того, чтобы его отчитать, а чтобы помочь найти точки опоры. Если ему действительно важно психическое здоровье ребенка, он будет преодолевать свои страхи, тревоги, и начнется процесс изменений».

Но не нужно ожидать, что перестройка отношений пойдет гладко. Ребенок может сопротивляться изменениям, преду­преждает Елена Морозова: «Может быть, раньше отношения его и не удовлетворяли, но они для него привычны. Он мог манипулировать родителем, а теперь это должно измениться. А ребенок, который сильно настрадался, может начать проверять родителя: а так ли сильно ты меня любишь? Правда ли можно на тебя надеяться? Проверка иногда бывает очень жесткой: и дерзким непослушанием, и воровством».

И родителю предстоит учиться выдержке, последовательности и терпению: позитивный результат будет — но не так быстро, как хотелось бы.

Проблемы детей — отражение проблем родителей?

Ребенок — свидетель конфликтов родителей 

Но иногда проблемы ребенка — проекция проблем семьи. «Семья — это система, и если в ней что-то неблагополучно, то первым страдает самый незащищенный ее член, как правило, ребенок, — говорит Ольга Егорова. — Он как бы становится маркером этого неблагополучия. Но родители часто не хотят этого замечать, поскольку всем нам проще увидеть проблему в другом, а не в себе». Поэтому на терапию ведут ребенка, не подозревая, что и сами нуждаются в ней.

Так, родители могут быть уверены, что ребенок не догадывается о серьезном конфликте между ними, ведь они никогда не ссорятся при нем. «Но напряжение все равно висит в воздухе, ребенок его чувствует и испытывает дискомфорт, — продолжает детский психолог, — потому что то, что транслируется словами, не подтверждается на невербальном уровне.

Ребенку нужно как-то уложить это в голове и адаптироваться. Как это произойдет, зависит от его внутренних ресурсов: кто-то станет агрессивным, кто-то замкнется, кто-то заболеет — ведь вокруг больного ребенка объединяется вся семья». В таких случаях необходима семейная терапия или хотя бы индивидуальная терапия одного из родителей, подчеркивает психолог, — не считая работы с самим ребенком.

Если родители отказываются от психотерапии 

Что, если один из родителей соглашается пройти терапию, а второй категорически против? Такая ситуация не редкость, подтверждает Елена Морозова.

«Чаще всего отказывается папа, говоря: «Мы без этого выросли, ничего не надо делать, все само собой решится». Она вспоминает, как четыре часа разговаривала с отцом, чья дочь была в критическом состоянии из-за анорексии: «Поначалу он все отрицал, возмущался, но через пару часов начал прислушиваться, и в конце концов мы пришли к тому, что он не будет осуждать и ругать дочь, а попробует поддержать. И он действительно помог ей».

Если ребенок находится в токсичной среде, основная задача — помочь ему сохранить здоровую часть психики

Трудней всего, когда никто из родителей не готов признать проблемы и включиться в терапию. Может ли тогда психолог работать только с ребенком? Ольга Егорова признается, что ее долго мучил этот вопрос. «Ведь что бы я ни делала, ребенок каждый раз возвращается в семью, где ничего не меняется, и сталкивается с теми же трудностями. Не уйдут ли все усилия в песок? Оказавшись на семинаре известного американского психо­терапевта Линн Стадлер, я задала ей этот вопрос».

Та ответила, что считает возможным работать только с детьми, когда не получается контакта с родителями: «Если ребенок находится в токсичной среде и у него есть поведенческие трудности, он замкнут, агрессивен, тревожен, то моя задача — помочь ему сохранить здоровую часть психики».

Ольга Егорова следует этому примеру, но никогда не оставляет надежды подобрать подход и к родителю: «Как правило, ребенка приводит мама, и я стараюсь хотя бы в те несколько минут, когда она приходит и уходит, говорить о том, как ребенок меняется, или сказать что-то, что послужит ей поддержкой. И бывает, что спустя какое-то время, иногда через несколько месяцев, родители все-таки меняют свою позицию и соглашаются на терапию. И тогда, конечно, всей семье становится намного легче».

Источник: psychologies.ru

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