Почему так страшно просить о помощи

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Научно доказанный факт: для нашего благополучия очень важно уметь просить о помощи. А вот еще один: страх кого-то о чем-то попросить у многих со временем превращается в фобию. Поняв, что это ее случай, британская писательница Кэти Реган решила, что пора что-то менять.

Человек среди людей 
Познать себя 

Почему так страшно просить о помощи

Для начала я должна признаться. Ненавижу о чем-либо просить. Ненавижу просить других тратить на меня время или деньги. Ненавижу просить оказать мне какую-то услугу, подвезти или посидеть с ребенком.

Но, что самое важное и наиболее показательное, — я ненавижу просить об эмоциональной поддержке. Я по пальцам руки могу пересчитать случаи, когда в слезах звонила подруге, прося совета или надеясь, что меня выслушают и утешат.

Зато сколько раз я сама отвечала на подобные звонки, не сосчитать. Я всегда рада помочь (если не считать парочки «эмоциональных вампиров») и даже польщена тем, что друзья знают, что на меня можно положиться. Почему я сама не готова просить их о том же?

Все сводится к страху показать слабость или уязвимость

Психолог Коринн Суит считает, что дело в воспитании. «Если в детстве вас наказывали за какие-то просьбы, у вас могло остаться ощущение, что просить плохо. Подобное представление возникает и тогда, когда дети вынуждены слишком рано проявлять самостоятельность — например, из-за постоянной занятости родителей. В конечном счете все сводится к страху показать слабость или уязвимость.

Прежде певица и пианистка Аманда Палмер из группы The Dresden Dolls была неспособна никого ни о чем просить. Недавно она выпустила книгу «Искусство просить». Отчасти это ее мемуары: она описывает, как изменилась жизнь, когда она научилась этому умению, отчасти — манифест о том, что нам может дать умение просить и исполнять просьбы других.

Для Аманды все изменилась в тот момент, когда она, пытаясь заработать деньги на выпуск альбома, стала изображать на улице статую, которую прозвали «Восьмифутовой невестой». Она надевала подвенечное платье, красилась белой краской, забиралась на ящик и неподвижно стояла на улицах Бостона, глядя прохожим в глаза. За этот миг человеческого «общения» люди давали ей по доллару. Эта работа помогла ей научиться просить и, вообще, по ее словам, «быть человеком».

Прямая связь между людьми начинается с просьбы

«Стоя на этом ящике, ты в каком-то смысле отдаешь себя на милость других и многому учишься. В первую очередь тому, что прямая связь между людьми начинается с просьбы. Важно не просто смотреть на окружающих, но видеть их — это далеко не одно и то же. Если они чувствуют, что вы их «видите», и ощущают с вами связь, то стараются вам помочь, ведь вы им уже не безразличны».

Как преодолеть страх 

Доверяйте тому, кого просите

«Если вы принимаете чужой дар, будь то еда, деньги или любовь, вы должны доверять человеку, который вам помогает», — говорит Аманда Палмер.

Просите своего партнера

Взаимопомощь — это основа здоровых, гармоничных отношений. Многим из нас кажется, что партнер должен уметь угадывать наши мысли, но это невозможно. Мы должны уметь спрашивать, когда нам что-то нужно.

Не стыдитесь это делать

Когда вам стыдно просить, в ваших словах словно сквозит: «У тебя есть надо мной власть», а если снисходительно или пренебрежительно, то будто бы говорите: «У меня есть над тобой власть». Просите с благодарностью, как бы говоря: «Мы оба можем помочь друг другу».

Не считайте, кто кому должен

Не стоит рассуждать в духе: «Она меня попросила о том-то, теперь моя очередь». Мир устроен иначе.

Не забывайте о благодарности

Благодарность — самая ценная «эмоциональная валюта».

Почему так страшно просить о помощи

Об авторе

Кэти Реган — британский журналист, автор нескольких книг.

Источник: psychologies.ru

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