«Он был таким сильным и уверенным»: как не попасться на уловки мужчины-тирана

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Что скрывается за излишне решительным и напористым поведением мужчины, с которым вы недавно познакомились? Какие признаки должны вас насторожить и что делать, чтобы подобные мужчины сами обходили вас стороной?

Мужчина и женщина 

«Он был таким сильным и уверенным»: как не попасться на уловки мужчины-тирана

«Хочу на ручки» — эта расхожая фраза свойственна многим женщинам, независимо от их возраста. Хочется, чтобы мужчина подхватил, поднял, прижал и все понял, потом поцеловал и ласково сказал: «Какая ж ты у меня все же дурочка».

Есть, правда, женщины, которые этого не хотят. И даже не потому, что научились отличать любимого мужчину от образа идеального отца, а потому что уже были в отношениях с такими сильными, умными и не скрывающими своего превосходства мужчинами. Из этих отношений некоторым женщинам приходилось убегать ночью в страхе, бросив все вещи. Потом на терапии или на кухне у подруги они спрашивали: «Как можно было догадаться, что он окажется садистом и тираном? Ведь все начиналось, как в кино».

«Мир ловил меня, но не поймал» 

Однажды у меня был такой случай. Клиентка, страдающая от того, что ей все время попадаются не те мужчины, влетела в кабинет совершенно счастливая:

— Я встретила такого мужчину! Он брутальный, сильный и с благородной сединой. Чувствую, что могу на него положиться.

— Я так рада за вас. Расскажите подробнее?

— Мы с ним случайно познакомились, он должен был у меня забрать посылку от друга. Я думала, что просто заберет и мы разойдемся, а он оказался таким активным! Не то, что эти, которые сами не знают, чего хотят…

— Активный в каком плане?

— Сразу сказал, что завтра вечером встретит меня после работы. Я, конечно, удивилась немного, но это, наверное, потому что отвыкла от настоящих мужиков. Вообще, знаете, такое радостное чувство и мысли: «Кто-то за меня берет ответственность, будет теперь заботиться обо мне».

— Как интересно, а он предложил вам чем-то помочь? Почему вы решили, что он заботиться о вас будет?

Благородный седовласый мужчина оказался безработным, судимым и склонным к рукоприкладству

— А как же? Он же специально приедет меня встретить после работы. Правда, машины у него нет и мы поедем на моей ко мне домой. Он еще так сказал, как в кино: «Я уже все решил, ты теперь от меня никуда не денешься».

— Звучит многообещающе… — ответила я, а про себя подумала: «как в фильме ужасов».

— А еще он такой весь накачанный, в татуировках. Я спросила у него: «А что у тебя за татуировка такая: «мир ловил меня, но не поймал»? А он ответил: «Это я сдуру сделал, теперь думаю свести. После нее и с деньгами беда, и женщины все какие-то стали попадаться не те».

— А с предыдущей дамой он почему разошелся?

— Она его доводила и он очень злился. Специально на агрессию разводила. Он, правда, от нее еще не совсем ушел, потому что вещи надо забрать, а она наверняка начнет истерить и не отпускать.

— Он в ее квартире, получается, живет? — уточнила я, подумав, что жить ему, вероятно, больше негде, а в предыдущих отношениях он свою «пассию» поколачивал.

— Ну да, так было удобнее, но она его измучила. Ему ведь нравятся женственные, добрые, чтоб дома было хорошо и тепло. Я вот сегодня с утра уже и пирог приготовила, чтоб его вечером удивить, а то он соскучился по ласке и заботе…

Дальнейшие диалоги я пересказывать не буду, а лучше сразу расскажу концовку. Благородный седовласый мужчина оказался безработным, судимым, сидящим всю жизнь на шее у родителей или женщин, склонным к рукоприкладству. Почему я стала задавать именно эти наводящие вопросы и что заставило меня изначально предположить такую историю?

«Он был таким сильным и уверенным»: как не попасться на уловки мужчины-тирана

Признаки потенциального тирана 

Многие женщины в отношениях ищут отца и узнают его по косвенным признакам: сильный, высокий, умный, все решает, гладит сверху по голове, покупает конфеты и забирает вечером с работы. Так для пятилетней девочки обычно все отцы и выглядят. Как только пара признаков обнаружена, все остальные факторы перестают иметь значение. Особенно если женщине давно хотелось любви и заботы, а ее родители развелись, когда она была маленькой. Факторов, на которые стоило бы обратить внимание, в рассказе моей клиентки было сразу несколько:

1. Ее новый знакомый слишком быстро перешел в атаку. В его случае этот фактор был признаком того, что предыдущая девушка давно уже хотела его выставить из квартиры.

2. Сразу занял позицию «сверху» («Я уже все решил»), не имея на то ни малейших оснований.

3. В своих неудачах винит внешние факторы — татуировку, женщин. Татуировка виновата в невезении, а женщина сама провоцирует его на агрессию. Да и надпись на татуировке — «мир ловил меня, но не поймал» — тоже говорит о желании сбежать от ответственности.

4. Брутальность (мускулы, татуировки, бороды и общая «дикость» облика) сейчас в моде. Но некоторые персонажи выбирают нарочито агрессивный стиль внешности и поведения потому, что на самом деле страшно боятся. Часто они боятся потому, что в детстве их избивали. И вырастая, они отыгрываются на более слабых. Отсюда и мечты о «милой и мягкой».

«Он был таким сильным и уверенным»: как не попасться на уловки мужчины-тирана

Как перестать попадаться в сети тиранов 

1. Не ищите родителя. Если вы ищете защитника, «решателя» всех проблем, то ищете идеального отца. Если того, кто всегда поймет, утешит, найдет слова и вытрет слезы, то ищете идеальную мать. Если вы хотите встретить мужчину, который в себе сочетает все вышеперечисленное, то вы в одном человеке хотите найти сразу обоих родителей.

Надо начать понемногу взрослеть, научиться себя обеспечивать не только материально, но и эмоционально. Когда вы уверенно встанете на собственные ноги, то перестанете терять связь с реальностью от фальшиво-заботливых слов вроде «я все за нас решил», «я мужчина и поэтому буду решать все проблемы за нас обоих» и т.д.

2. Не путайте женственность со слабостью. Дело в том, что слабость, наивность и зависимость — признаки ребенка, а не синоним женственности. Именно такие взрослые девочки и привлекают потенциальных тиранов своей слабостью (легко подавить), зависимостью (никуда не денется) и наивностью (на ее фоне любой кажется умным).

3. Ищите то, что вас интересует. Если не можете заинтересовать сами себя, то почему другой должен вами заинтересоваться? Если вы не довольны своей текущей ситуацией и совсем не видите из нее самостоятельного выхода, то подаете сигналы окружающим о слабости и зависимости. Кто бежит на такие сигналы, вы, надеюсь, уже поняли.

4. Не бойтесь стать «мужественной». Не рисуйте в голове картины одинокой бизнес-леди с мужскими повадками, которая может только вечером позволить себе расслабиться и поплакать у окна. Сила не противоречит женственности и уязвимости. Дело в том, что от слабости и страха люди надевают броню на сердце и маску на лицо. А уверенная в себе женщина может быть открытой и расслабленной, потому что точно знает, что не упадет в обморок от косого взгляда или насмешки, и при этом сможет защитить свои психологические границы от грубых посягательств.

Что вы обретете в результате этих шагов? Себя и свою жизнь. Это уже немало. Более того, очень привлекательно для окружающих. Вы начнете встречать других мужчин, у вас появятся иные темы для разговоров, увлечения, а в какой-то момент вы поймете, что у вас впервые сложились качественно новые отношения с другим взрослым человеком. Возможно, это и будет любовь.

«Он был таким сильным и уверенным»: как не попасться на уловки мужчины-тирана

Об авторе

София Еникеева — психолог, член Ассоциации психоаналитических коучей, член благотворительного проекта по психологической помощи химически зависимым. Ее сайт.

Источник: psychologies.ru

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