Когда выбирают одиночество

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«Все при ней, а она не замужем», — так часто говорят про тех женщин, кто (пока) не нашел себе партнера. Но что если одиночество — не судьба, а наш бессознательный выбор? Отказ от жизни в паре всегда приносит скрытую выгоду, убеждена психоаналитик Софи Кадален.

Одиночество 

Когда выбирают одиночество

«Почему бы тебе не зарегистрироваться на сайте знакомств?»; «Не слишком ли у тебя высокие требования?»; «На твоем месте я бы не стала перезванивать сразу — пусть немного помучится». На тех из нас, у кого нет пары, со всех сторон сыплются противоречивые советы заботливых родных, подруг и глянцевых журналов…

Но нет смысла следовать стереотипам, пытаясь разобрать на составные любовь и совместную жизнь. Одиноким людям предстоит понять, из каких страхов они неосознанно выстроили стены, отгораживающие их от мира. Забыть о нормах и взглядах со стороны, принять свое подлинное желание — только это поможет вновь открыться великой нежданности любви.

Само по себе положение незамужней женщины — не проблема. Но, к сожалению, в общественном сознании до сих пор существует единственная модель семейной пары: мужчина и женщина, живущие под одной крышей. Тех, кто не состоит в браке, всегда воспринимали как отчасти ущербных: незамужняя — значит, неудачница. Это вызывает мучительное чувство вины.

Вместо того чтобы переосмыслить предлагаемые нам «нормативы», одиночки начинают задаваться вопросом: «Что со мной не так?» Когда женщине удается создать семью, кажется, что все вокруг только и думают: «Наконец-то! Теперь, когда она удостоилась любви, ее будущее обеспечено».

Безбрачие превращается в проблему потому, что на нас давят стереотипы. Чтобы сопротивляться такому давлению, нужна незаурядная стойкость. Мы становимся пленниками двух фатальных заблуждений. И одно из них навязываем себе сами: мы одни, потому что у нас плохой характер, потому что не можем сделать выбор, не умеем приспособиться. А другое нам активно внушают извне: любовь якобы подчиняется незыблемым правилам, которые обязательно соблюдать, потому что иначе ничего не получится!

Нам со всех сторон твердят: «Любовь живет три года», «Никакого секса на первом свидании!», «Первое впечатление всегда обманчиво». Пока мы воспринимаем эти расхожие истины критически, как астрологические прогнозы в журналах, — все в порядке. Но если мы начинаем на них зацикливаться, наши шансы встретить подходящего человека падают.

Елена, 43 года, финансовый директор: «Мне очень важна моя независимость»

Когда выбирают одиночество

«Я ушла от второго мужа с твердым убеждением, что больше никогда не выйду замуж. С тех пор прошло пятнадцать лет. За это время дети выросли, сложилось и с карьерой — я стала финансовым директором строительной компании. У меня крайне насыщенная жизнь. Непростая, но в ней нет даже малейших признаков рутины. Мне комфортно. Я никогда не жалела, что родила детей, что ушла от состоятельного, но не признающего моей свободы мужа, мне никогда не хотелось жаловаться, как тяжело устраивать жизнь с двумя детьми… Мне очень важна моя независимость, и я не хочу ее потерять. Я активна и самодостаточна. А это напрягает мужчин. Их смущает моя прямота, стремительность и готовность всегда принимать решения самостоятельно. Я знаю об этом, но меня надо воспринимать такой, какая я есть. Ничего не изменишь: я привыкла к тому, что мне не надо ни под кого подстраиваться, оглядываться, уступать… У меня яркая и содержательная жизнь, и мысли об одиночестве меня не посещают. Особенно сейчас, когда работа отнимает так много сил и энергии, что чаще хочется тишины. В чем-то я абсолютно счастлива, в чем-то не очень, иногда хочется на кого-то опереться и расслабиться. Но я слишком взыскательна и строга, а с мужчинами надо быть мягкой… Я, конечно, иногда язык прикусываю, иначе бы, наверное, вообще не смогла существовать ни в каких отношениях. Но сделать это раз и навсегда я точно не готова. Возможно, с мужчиной, ради которого я перестану «кусаться», мы еще не встретились».

Действительно, эти предписания идут против самой природы любви, которая не имеет ничего общего с контролем, рассудительностью и предписаниями: «тебе надо», «ты должна». Любовь обращается к нашим эмоциям, к бессознательному и к тому же не подчиняется никаким общим законам. История каждой любви так же уникальна, как и каждый человек. А универсальные рецепты заглушают наш внутренний голос.

Незнакомец, с которым нас свела жизнь, уже не сможет нас удивить, раз его поведение предопределено. А если нет места удивлению, нет места и любви. Любовь вообще вызывает у нас тревогу, выбивает из колеи. А готовые решения так соблазнительны! Они словно ключ, позволяющий внести в эту смутную область порядок и ясность. Скрывают наши слабости и оправдывают ошибки: «Раз я скрупулезно следовала всем правилам, но отношения все равно не сложились, значит, в этом виноват другой».

Почему вы до сих пор одиноки: 4 причины

Наконец, они помогают нам уйти от самого важного вопроса: чего я хочу по-настоящему? Действительно ли он мне нравится? Мне 35 лет, надо бы завести семью. А хочу ли я этого? Делать собственный выбор, изучать и принимать свои желания бывает очень трудно и неуютно, потому что приходится изобретать себя. А стереотипы хоть и ограничивают нашу свободу, но зато успокаивают и освобождают от выбора и раздумий, поэтому избавиться от них бывает нелегко.

Чтобы разобраться в себе, для начала хорошо бы перестать воспринимать их некритично. В тот момент, когда мы говорим себе: «Я одна, потому что все мужчины — подлецы», «Я один, потому что все женщины норовят сесть на шею», — пора задать себе вопрос: а правда ли все такие? И мы обязательно найдем в своем окружении несколько опровергающих примеров. Кроме того, неплохо бы задуматься о том, что именно мы понимаем под «подлостью», что это значило в нашей личной истории.

Татьяна, 40 лет, дизайнер, фотограф: «В этих отношениях было нечто для меня неприемлемое»

Когда выбирают одиночество

«Я не феминистка, люблю мужчин и не представляю свою жизнь без них. Более того, я не раз пробовала создать семью, давая и себе, и мужчине шанс раскрыться, обогатить друг друга опытом, получить от него что-то новое для развития и поделиться с ним чем-то своим. Однако всегда наступал момент, когда в наши отношения вмешивалось нечто абсолютно для меня неприемлемое — деспотизм, ханжество, ревность, беспомощность… У каждого мужчины было что-то свое, что сужало дорогу нашей совместной жизни до узкой тропки, по которой уже невозможно было идти вместе. И я шла дальше одна с надеждой встретить единомышленника, человека, которому я была бы близка по духу и образу жизни. Мне важно, чтобы радости и трудности были нам обоим по плечу, чтобы два потока, равных по силе, сливались в единую реку жизни… Так мало сильных мужчин! Сейчас я одна, но мне всегда есть чем заполнить свое жизненное пространство, я с удовольствием погружаюсь в творчество, путешествую, занимаюсь тем, что мне близко и дорого… Но в то же время я понимаю, что достичь внутренней гармонии возможно только с мужчиной: только две энергии, мужская и женская, дарят паре уникальную возможность раскрыться во всем многообразии чувств, жить с блеском в глазах, излучать настоящее счастье».

Усомниться — значит пробить в наших предубеждениях брешь, через которую к нам может вернуться способность удивляться. А значит, освободится и пространство для любви. Отстранившись от предрассудков, навязанных обществом, мы оказываемся наедине с самими собой. И тогда предстоит разобраться с собственными зажимами, чтобы потом иметь возможность от них избавиться. Но в отличие от универсальных рецептов здесь ответ заранее не известен.

У некоторых из нас личность выстроена вокруг отсутствия любви, и тогда мы ждем от другого, чтобы он заполнил эту пустоту внутри нас. Мы ощущаем не просто желание, но неодолимую потребность: про другого уже речи нет, так что шансы на то, что наши ожидания от встречи исполнятся, крайне малы.

Другие знают, насколько несчастливы в семейной жизни были их родители, и опасаются повторить их судьбу. Третьи же предпочитают не заводить отношений, потому что боятся не пережить конца любви. Есть и такие, которые опасаются потерять в любви часть самих себя.

Без любви никто жить не хочет. Но некоторые предпочитают страдания одиночества превратностям любви

Любовь всегда заставляет нас задуматься: такие ли мы, какими себя считаем? В любимом человеке мы видим иное отражение себя, которое зачастую не узнаем. Иногда спокойнее жить с ложным образом себя, лишь бы не узнать себя настоящего. Какова бы ни была природа этих страхов, психический механизм всегда одинаков: инстинкт сохранения того, что есть, побеждает влечение к жизни и развитию.

Мы предпочитаем одиночество риску, потому что внутренние барьеры или универсальные нормы нас защищают. Никто ведь не хочет жить в одиночестве и без любви. Но некоторые из нас предпочитают страдания одиночества превратностям любви. В конечном итоге мы можем найти внутреннее равновесие и вне брака — одинокая жизнь приносит нам косвенную выгоду, которую мы часто не осознаем.

Но наступает день, когда цена покоя оказывается слишком велика. Очередная неудача, очередной разрыв — и чаша весов качнется: желание любить и быть любимыми одержит верх над нашими страхами. Но это будет настоящее желание — наше собственное, единственное и неповторимое, в котором нет ни охоты, ни потребности соответствовать норме. Мы наконец согласимся отдавать и отдаваться, вкладывать в отношения частицу себя. Только так можно получить что-то взамен.

Римма, 45 лет, провизор: «Я слишком зависела от мнения родителей»

Когда выбирают одиночество

«Я никогда не была замужем, хотя всю жизнь мне казалось, что основное предназначение женщины — дом, семья, дети… Видимо, дело в том, что я всегда очень зависела от родителей и их мнения. Сначала они говорили мне, что надо получить образование, а уж потом думать о замужестве. А когда на горизонте появлялись женихи, они категорически не нравились ни матери, ни отцу. Не могу сказать, что родители что-то открыто мне запрещали, но я всегда чувствовала их холодное, ревнивое отношение к моему выбору. Честно говоря, меня это никогда особенно не беспокоило. Было даже удобно жить вместе с родителями — привычно, предсказуемо. Я не чувствовала себя ни ущемленной, ни одинокой, ни затворницей… Только, пожалуй, жалела, что так и не стала матерью. Мое отношение к жизни изменилось лет пять назад, когда умер мой отец. Я сильно горевала, меня просто разрушало чувство вины за то, что не смогла дать ему больше тепла и своей любви. Стараясь помочь, подруга пригласила меня на психологический тренинг. После него я поняла, что живу какой-то надуманной жизнью… Я сильно изменилась с тех пор, стала по-другому, более осознанно смотреть на жизнь, собственных родителей, мужчин и вообще людей… Сегодня мне комфортно с собой. Но я гораздо больше готова к длительным отношениям, хотя и знаю, что моему партнеру будет нелегко: я ведь привыкла быть одна, люблю все делать и решать сама. Однако я готова искать компромиссы. И стараюсь понимать и уважать мужчин».

Что же нам делать, чтобы это произошло? Просто ждать озарения или идти к психотерапевту? Я бы сказала так: отпустить себя. Размышлять о себе, открыться навстречу другому человеку — это активный процесс, и выдержать в одиночку эти перемены бывает непросто. Если боль и страдания сильны, то обращение к психотерапевту может их облегчить.

Он не рассеет страхи мановением руки, но поможет с ними ужиться. Психоанализ же парадоксальным образом ведет не к знанию, а к неведению. Избавиться от предрассудков означает признать, что мы ничего не знаем наверняка. Перед лицом сложностей любви, ее неуловимой тайны лучше сказать себе: «Раз в любви все равно никто не разбирается — смело вперед!» И тогда можно влюбиться как дитя — свободно, безгранично, забыв обо всем на свете.

Когда выбирают одиночество

Об экспере

Софи Кадален — психоаналитик, специалист по отношениям в паре, писатель, соавтор книги «Все при ней… и все еще не замужем» (Albin Michel, 2009).

Источник: psychologies.ru

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