12 вопросов, которые стоит обсудить до свадьбы

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Вопросы вроде «хочешь ли ты детей» и «будет ли у нас совместный бюджет» и так лежат на поверхности. Что еще нужно обсудить с человеком, с которым вы собираетесь связать жизнь?

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1. Как часто тебе нужно побыть одному?  

Райан Хауэс, психолог

В начале отношений партнеры обычно жаждут все время быть вместе, но зачастую это совершенно не отражает их настоящей потребности в уединении. Когда вы только влюбились, то легко готовы отказаться от привычного кофе и интересной книги субботним утром, но когда бушующие гормоны немного успокоятся, вам может снова захотеться проводить часть выходных в одиночестве.

Чтобы избежать возможных обид, стоит заранее обсудить, как часто каждому из вас хочется побыть в одному или в компании друзей. Объясните партнеру: потребность в уединении не означает, что вы его или ее отвергаете. Просто это помогает вам восстановить энергию.

2. Если бы ты выиграл(а) $5000, как бы ты их потратил(а)? 

Карл Пиллемер, автор книги «30 уроков для влюбленных»

В начале отношений партнеры почти никогда не говорят о деньгах, но в долгосрочной перспективе финансовые вопросы могут стать камнем преткновения. Если вы бережливы и расчетливы, то скорее всего предпочтете услышать ответ «Сохраним эти деньги для первого взноса на ипотеку», а не «Поедем путешествовать и веселиться». Вопрос поможет понять, насколько различаются ваши финансовые планы и не приведут ли эти различия к краху отношений в будущем.

3. Чего ты больше опасаешься — что тебя бросят или «задушат любовью»? 

Целесте Хиршман, сексолог

Вопрос поможет понять, какой у вас обоих тип привязанности в отношениях, например, тревожный или избегающий. Разобравшись в этом, вы осознаете, почему у вас разные потребности, и перестанете воспринимать эти различия как личные обиды.

4. Как ты планируешь помогать родителям, когда они состарятся? 

Лора Хек, семейный психотерапевт

Многие представители нынешнего поколения рискуют оказаться «зажатыми» между престарелыми родителями и малолетними детьми, обеспечивая и тех и других. Как вы планируете поддерживать своих стареющих родителей? Будете ли вы содержать их финансово? Поселите к себе в маленькую комнату? Или предпочтете, чтобы они жили в комфортном доме для престарелых?

От пожеланий зависят многие судьбоносные решения — в какой стране вы будете жить, насколько большой дом или квартиру купите, как вы будете распоряжаться средствами и обеспечивать пенсию, и т.д. В том, что касается заботы о престарелых родителях, многие не готовы идти на компромиссы, поэтому эти планы стоит обсудить на раннем этапе отношений.

12 вопросов, которые стоит обсудить до свадьбы

5. Как ты предпочитаешь разрешать конфликтные ситуации? 

Викки Старк, психотерапевт

Во многих парах партнеры по-разному подходят к этому вопросу. Один из них хочет продолжать выяснять отношения и не успокоится, пока не будет найдено решение. Второй же в такие моменты эмоционально перегружен и не способен думать, ему нужно побыть в одиночестве и поразмыслить, прежде чем он сможет найти решение.

В результате первому кажется, что ему не уделяют должного внимания, а второй не может совладать со своими эмоциями. Если партнеры еще в начале отношений поймут, по какому шаблону у них развиваются конфликты, то смогут избавить себя от головной боли в будущем.

6. Ты готов(а) быть верным только мне? 

Даниэлла Харел, соавтор книги «Как вернуть настоящую любовь»

Мы обычно делаем вид, будто существует лишь один приемлемый вариант отношений, но на самом деле их много. Если вы даже не посчитаете нужным спросить партнера, готовы ли он придерживаться моногамии в отношениях, то со временем это может обернуться неприятными сюрпризами, тяжкими обидами и нарушенными клятвами. Если вы хотите услышать честный ответ, постарайтесь задать этот вопрос, не критикуя и не осуждая. Иначе он или она вряд ли решатся ответить откровенно.

7. Что ты считаешь изменой? 

Райан Хауэс, психолог

Никто не хочет говорить об этом, особенно если на горизонте не назревает никаких проблем. Но все же стоит разобраться, что именно каждый из вас считает нарушением верности друг другу. Можно ли переписываться или общаться с другими потенциальными партнерами? Сходить с кем-то пообедать? Или в бар? Что не будет вызывать беспокойства? Можно ли общаться с бывшими партнерами? Смотреть порно, это нормально или за гранью? Установив границы допустимого с самого начала, вы избавите себя от многих проблем в будущем.

8. Какую роль в отношениях будут играть родственники? 

Райан Хауэс, психолог

В начале отношений большинство из нас жаждет понравиться родственникам партнера, поэтому мы стараемся угодить и оставить о себе самое хорошее впечатление. Но мы обычно не думаем, сколько времени и сил нам придется потратить на общение с ними в будущем и какое место они будут занимать в наших отношениях с партнером. Обсудите, сколько времени вы и ваш партнер планируете уделять родственникам и насколько они смогут влиять на ваши отношения. Так вы заранее поймете, чего ожидать.

12 вопросов, которые стоит обсудить до свадьбы

9. Что ты будешь делать, если я поссорюсь с кем-то из членов твоей семьи? 

Аарон Андерсон, семейный психотерапевт

Хотя вы женитесь или выходите замуж за любимого человека, это еще не значит, что вы всегда будете ладить с его или ее родственниками. Важно знать, как поступит ваш партнер, если у вас возникнет конфликт с кем-то из членов его семьи. Это поможет вам понять, насколько близкие отношения он поддерживает с родственниками, способен ли спокойно отнестись к разладу в семье и готов ли поддержать вас, если вспыхнет семейная ссора. Вы сможете сравнить ваши представления о семейных ценностях и понять, насколько они совпадают.

10. Что сначала — дела или отдых? 

Викки Старк, психотерапевт

Во многих парах часто вспыхивают конфликты по этому поводу. Один из партнеров не способен расслабиться, пока не закончены все дела, а другой откладывает все домашние обязанности и вообще о них забывает, но всегда находит время для досуга и развлечений. Если эти предпочтения обговорить заранее, можно найти компромисс. К примеру, чередовать: одну неделю все делать так, как нравится вам, а другую — так, как предпочитает ваш партнер.

11. В чем ты видишь цель жизни и какое место в ней отведено партнеру? 

Лора Хек, семейный психотерапевт

Большинство людей не смогут назвать цель жизни, но парам будет полезно вместе над этим поразмыслить. В глубине души мы знаем настоящую цель и помним о ней, несмотря на повседневную суету. Она мотивирует и вдохновляет, наполняет энергией. Когда нам удается жить в соответствии с предназначением, все идет гладко и естественно.

В здоровых долгосрочных отношениях партнеры уважают жизненные цели друг друга и оказывают взаимную поддержку на пути к их достижению. И наоборот, если вам ради отношений придется пожертвовать жизненной миссией, со временем внутри начнет расти мрачная обида и недовольство. Для простоты я предлагаю парам задавать этот вопрос каждый год, но при этом говорить не о цели всей жизни, а о главной цели на данном конкретном жизненном этапе.

12. Что тебя возбуждает в сексе? 

Целесте Хиршман, сексолог

Зачастую партнеры живут вместе годами, так и не узнав о желаниях и сексуальных фантазиях друг друга. Не стоит ждать, пока желание начнет угасать, прежде чем выяснять, чего партнер на самом деле хочет в постели.

Источник: psychologies.ru

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